17 April 1975

Burial Site Po Tonle (Kandal Province) where 35,027 victims were killed and buried in 55 mass graves

Reflecting on the Khmer Rouge's seizure of power on 17 April 1975, it is clear the impact of this regime transcended the blood-soaked fields throughout Cambodia's verdant land. Forty five years had passed since the ordeal in my homeland, but I still feel it - the deep grief and psychological scars. Many victims/survivors are still living with the ghost behind us for whom truth remains hidden and justice is still beyond reach. To this day, if I am not mistaken, no other Khmer Rouge (beside Kaing Guek Eav known as Duch), living or deceased has expressed responsibility or remorse for the unspeakable cruelty that led to the tragic deaths of close to 2.2 million men, women, and children.

Living a Meaningful Life: Personal Introspection

Anicca (Impermanence), dukkha (Suffering), and anattā (No-Self)

As my entire life passes by before my eyes, plenty has happened so far. My existence has been marked by unexpected trauma, filled with unforeseen pain and suffering ranging from losing my loved ones during the Khmer Rouge regime, the complication of integration in the US, the cultural difference, the refugee experience, and the challenge of re-assimilation in my homeland. Since I took early retirement two years ago, my priority and motivation have changed at this generative stage of my life. I wonder often about life’s worthiness. I realize more and more that as soon as I took birth, I have kept on running and running incessantly...without stopping… towards death without achieving or attaining anything meaningfully (endless cycle of miseries -samsara). After long and thoughtful introspection, I realize more and more that the money I made, the home I owned, the degrees I earned, the awards I won, the conferences I attended, the public lectures I delivered, the number of publications I contributed and the praises I received will not lead to a meaningful life. I also stop thinking and dreaming of changing the world and specifically Cambodia; I only wish the world/Cambodia wouldn’t change me. That is part of what makes me who I am. I want to be able to spend the remaining of my life in my own way –  to spend the day doing whatever I love most.  I decide to stop working so hard at getting from point A to point B the way I have in the past, but instead, I want to spend more quality time with my family and seek to understand the universal truth of impermanence, suffering, and no-self within the framework of my body and mind (Buddhist perspective of paramatha -sacca of anicca, dukkha, and anattā). In short, there is nothing that lasts in the world and the entire physical and mental structure within myself is constantly changing. Once I learn to accept the three characteristics of existence - anicca, dukkha, and anattā - then I really start living my life meaningfully. This will help me to recover, heal and possibly find closure with the misdeeds and the death of my mother, two brothers, two sisters, family members and countless victims of the Khmer Rouge reign of terror. I wish to become more aware of my own psychological conditioning and traumatization through observing and understanding ‘what is still true?” which will free me from all the anguishes and liberate me from all the miseries, all the bondages, and all the saṅkāra (mental formation and reaction). Every single day counts and each day is a precious gift for me to face reality as it is (instead of who I am). This self-exploration through experiencing the truth at the experimental level reflects a sense of meaning and connection of what I really want out of life. No one can do the job for me, I have to fight my own battle and work out my own salvation and be involved in something beyond the self.